Radioastrology By Carl Kohler Popular Electronics, April 1989 Unnervingly esoteric as it sounds, shortwave radios and other radio gear have the same astrological characteristics that we humans do. That obscure theory has been supressed by sundry radio designers, probably as an understandable favor to retail dealers. Depending entirely upon the exact moment of final assembly, each piece of radio gear qualifies for a built-sign corresponding to one of the twelve segments of the traditional zodiac. Overload thinking? Read on! Aries, The Ram (March 21-April 21). Exhibiting testy confidence in their aggresive hopes and high-level performance, this grouping of transcievers would reach beyond the planet if they could. Somewhat rashy impulsive (and defensive about it), they crave advanced experimentation, and innovative and usage and impatiently await important progress technically and humanly in the amateur radio field. Utterly contemptuous of all known limitations and disdaining timid operators, these demand pioneering attitudes. Best owners: Malcontents posessing only several QSL cards. Taurus, The Bull (April 22-May 20). Deploring haste, these transcievers should never be used hurriedly. A laid-back pace nourishes their cautious temprament, increasing the reliability of their performace, every day of the week (and thrice on Sundays or holidays.) They regard loyalty as just another 2-way transmission. Practical to their last inner component, they expect good maintenance and careful re-adjustments when needed. Profit-talk is their language. Best owners: Bank executives, stock brokers, mint managers, and salvagers of buried treasure. Gemini, The Twins (May 21-June 21). Hampered mildly by an eleven-minute attention span, these units suffer (read: are static-afflicted) when lengthy human conversation is imposed upon them. So change subjects and frequencies often. Addicted to all aspects of communication, they need juicier gossip than other radios; even if it must be transmitted via dits and dahs. Essentially sociable instrumentry, they appreciate crowds of bystanders and onlookers - at both ends of the broadcast. Best owners: Speed talkers with a million things on their minds. Cancer, The Crab (June 22-July 22). Although this breed appears to be just like all the other shortwave radios, they're much more sensitive and moody than even the most neurotic microphone. Never discuss their foibles in the presence of strangers. For that matter, avoid allowing those who are unrelated to the operator (blood, marraige, creed, or license class) to even watch these rigs being used - except possibly children. These transcievers yearn for security, both familial and material. Best owners: Solvent patriarchs or matriarchs. Leo, The Lion (July 23-August 22). Hungering for human attention, these two-ways perform superbly if accorded constant admiration and whispered praise. Ignored too long, they protest (read: emit only outraged key-clicks immune to ALL filters). Also, they demonstrate a subtle tendency to supervise transmission and reception unless monitored closely, which is more due to their innate regality than the operator's errors. Since nobody ever really owns these royal radios - because they, somehow, claim ownership of their operators - ownership is moot here. Virgo, The Virgin (August 23-September 22). Three words adequately describe this segment: Picky, picky, picky. That comment applies to their operators, selected transmissions, receptions, frequencies, explorations, and the interior decor of their owners' shacks. These simply refuse to cooperate with shoddy code adherence, slovenly transmitting techniques, or shabby surroundings, whether their operators like it or not. Also, they insist upon being sited at slight distances from lesser electronic equipment, due to their intrinsically aloof nature. Best owners: Accredited perfectionists and editors. Libra, The Scales (September 23-October 23). Unbelievably prima donna-ish and rabidly devoted to their creed of total balance, these radios function a tad more artistically than such instrumentry had any right to perform. Moreover, they're a bit snobbish about this transmitted achievement than they're ever likely to admit - even if the most talented operators could get it out of them, which none have yet. Not that they're morally superior to occasional human ribaldry or fail to enjoy uncouth reception (if timed right). Best owners: Worldly amateurs with a flair for finding their own ilk and mobile phones with unlisted numbers. Scorpio, The Scorpion (October 24-November 22). These transcievers require particularly good treatment and very careful handling. Like everything scorpion-ish, they don't get mad; they get even. (Read: short circuit and burn relentlessly). Used properly with utter respect, they out-transmit and out-recieve any other radio in existence. Unfortunately, they despise blabbermouths. Operators would be wise to refrain from quoting their cost and/or full performance ranges. These cannot be faulted for their manufactured secretiveness. Best owners: Tacitum humans. Sagittarius, The Archer (November 23-December 21). No more genial, cheerfully operating shortwave radios have been designed or assembled than these. Imbued with a maniacal love for travel, they simply hope to be kept in constant motion - making them perfect for mobile usage. Neither traffic, inclement weather, impossible routes, difficult transmission areas, nor downright foul human behavior tarnish their fondness for incessant wandering. Best owners: Gabby vagabonds and not-so-swift CB'ers. Capricorn, The Goat (December 22-January 19). Striving for human respect, these rigs regard working for operators twenty-five hours daily, eight days weekly as nothing more than job insurance. They invented the word communaholic. Marconi likely unwittingly built one of them and it promptly helped him toward eventual fame because these radios contain the ambition of ultimately basking in the reflected glory of famous operators. To that end they exist and labor. Best owners: Bonafide celebrities and royalty. Aquarius, The Water Bearer (January 20-February 18). Invisibly functioning upon an overwhelming curiosity about usual people, places, and unexplored frequencies - these radios are the eccentrics of radiodom. Usage that's too routine makes them ill (read: defective tickler coil). What keeps them healthy are transmissions to the unknown, the unvisited, and the unexpected. If any radios will put operators in touch with UFO's and/or other dimensions, these radios will, assuming that necessary conditions are conducive. Best owners: Rebels interested in contacting Mars and abandoned ET's. Pisces, The Fish (February 19-March 20). Finally, shortwave radios whose major need is a need to be needed. These fairly radiate compassion for mere humanity. Their forte is natural disasters and all lesser human emergencies. They perform with efficiency during such stressful situations and have a long history of saving lives (thanks to their operator's alertness and skilled dispatch). For reasons still being researched, they function better near bodies of water. Ham shack aquariums are minor aids here. Best owners: Humane amateurs.